A History of The Mustachio

OK, so everyone knows that "mustachio" is not a real word.

"How would we know that 'mustachio' is not a real word, Lee?"

Well readers, that would be obvious. Just check any dictionary, online or tangible. You can even check in your spell checker. Everyone who knows anything about nothing would know that it just doesn't exist. It's plain old common sense. Just whatever you do, don't go to dictionary.com and search "mustachio". I promise it will hurt.

So now that I have proof that "mustachio" is not a literally real word, I can claim that I invented it, which I definitely did, by the way.

It all started way back when. We (my friends and I) went to the lovely East Coast Original Frozen Custard. Why it's called the "East Coast" custard, I do not know, seeing as the only East Coasts are on the North Coast (actually I do know why it's called East Coast Custard, but I'm not going to tell you. It's a secret). Anyways, back to my story: the origins of frozen custard are not known, and are disputed almost as frequently and intensely as the color scheme of Hanes low-cut socks. All we know for sure is that frozen custard was invented sometime between the egg and the chicken, seeing as eggs turn into chickens, and that egg is an ingredient in custard, and chicken is definitely not.

So I decided to get a pistachio custard waffle cone, seeing as pistachio is probably one of the best flavors for any frozen dessert ever created. It was so delicious and I ate it so passionately, that the pistachio flavored frozen custard got all over my face, especially on my upper lip.

At that moment in time, a very special thing happened in my brain. I like to call it "word jousting". Two words run at each other at full speed, crash, splode, and a new word is made from parts of the two words. So during this round of word jousting, it was mustache in the one corner and pistachio in the other, and kablamie, it made "mustachio".

So despite what all experts might say, "mustachio" is a mustache made of pistacio custard or ice cream. Not hair.